I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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