I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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