So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
