our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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