gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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