I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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