This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
