Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
