i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
