I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
