i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
