i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
