I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
