dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
