she looked like the before picture.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
