HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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