You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
