put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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