your parents love me but you hate me
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
