i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
