my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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