So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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