I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
