just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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