my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
