Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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