I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
