and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
