Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
