If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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