Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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