dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
