For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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