I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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