I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
