It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
