moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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