umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
