the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
