Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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