I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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