I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
