I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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