Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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