i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
