Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
