Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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