May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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