It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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