There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
